Space Wars on Mars Focus on the Customer!

· blog

The coolest thing Amazon could do? – attack an island nation. Think about how good a job they could do? How customer-centric they could make that experience!? If anyone has the logistical capability and the data frameworks to make it happen, it’s Amazon. But I think Mr Bezos has some competition.

Let’s back up for a second, the last few things I wrote about were pretty dry and sad and serious (which is a necessity, not everything in life is meant to be dessert). But today I feel like balancing the scales. Because for a while now I’ve been saying that the CEOs of these big tech giants are all one haircut away from being James Bond supervillains. So, let’s work out the who’s who.

Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook is Raoul Silva from Skyfall

Because it’s about a computer guy who nobody really likes, plus this villain makes me the least comfortable of all the other Bond villains… just like Mr Berg makes me very uncomfortable with the amount of stuff he knows about me, and you, and 2 billion other people on the planet we occupy.

Tim Cook of Apple is Max Zorin from A View to a Kill

The plot centres around a microchip and a tribe of robotic Amazonian bodyguards. I bet you a cheeseburger that at some point Mr. cook has said: "seize them". At a minimum, somewhere in that fancy new Apple headquarters, there is a room that's all white but also all screens. A room which is purely for world domination talks which are exclusively started when Mr Cook spins around his chair. Something between the third Matrix and Tomorrow Never Dies.

Elon Musk of SpaceX/Tesla is Hugo Drax from Moonraker

This is the easiest one, he literally wants to colonize another planet the sake of humanity as does Mr Drax.

Jack Ma of Alibaba is La Chiffre from Casino Royale

Calculating and collaborative, letting the markets play to his strategy as does Alibaba with its market of suppliers which Alibaba use to deliver goods… Granted in the movie everything goes horribly wrong Ma-Chiffre has to fix it with an elaborate high stakes poker game but then again, Mr Ma is so rich, why wouldn’t you do something like this just for fun? Can I come?

Finally, Jeff Bezos is obviously Ernst Stavro Blofeld

This one is obvious not just because of the lack of hair but come on… The whole idea of an organization working reclusively to take over the world? It's pretty much Amazon's mission statement... I wonder if Blofeld would be more successful if he was a little more customer focused? How about same day delivery for his evil plans? I’m 44% sure that Mr Bezos stands somewhere in an Amazon office (in his lair, he’d definitely be standing in his lair) stroking a cat laying out his elaborate plans to Mr Bond.

Now the big question is, what if there was a showdown between these guys?

That one I’m going to leave to your imagination, or mine, because I thought of anything yet. Also, I don't have anything for Satya Nadella, Bill Gates, or Warren Buffet. They are not irrational enough to make fun of… but please feel free to send me some suggestions.


As you can see from my in-depth and thorough analysis, it's only a short matter of time before one of these moguls takes off their veil and reveals their true intent. Spelling out the complete plan in intricate detail – just like they do in the movies.

And well… since there's nobody left to defend the human race from the tyrannical and evil plans of these overly well-resourced and highly suspicious individuals. I will personally see to being James Bond and fighting them off. I will totally make that sacrifice. For the people of course. The girls and the cars and the drinking and the being good at everything because you have a stunt double. I will bear that burden.

You dear friend and fellow human, I swear to protect you and you are welcome.


Krystian Bond